Category: Ponder

Sins of the Past

Back in December, Sir Michael Moritz from the famed Silicon Valley VC firm Sequoia Capital made some waves when he bemoaned the lack of women in technology. “Oh, we look very hard. In fact we just hired a young woman from Stanford who’s every bit as good as her peers, and if there are more like her, we’ll hire them. What we’re not prepared to do is lower our standards.” The piece caught my attention because I am a male CEO who runs a technology company with a history of “women issues.” This history must also be acknowledged as...

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Baby New Year

I really had my heart set on December 27th for my abortion. December 27th meant I would only have to get through one, maybe two holiday celebrations with the clandestine knowledge that a body of cells was evolving inside me. I would disclose to my mother, but it’d be much harder to force a smile for the rest of my unsuspecting family, when all I could think about was how the wine in my glass was hurting something that would soon be nonexistent. My biological instincts had kicked in, and I felt the urge to nurture my accidental six-week-old...

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Forgetting to Not-Live

A decade ago this past August, I tried to kill myself and landed in a mental hospital for rehabilitation for the next month. After that, I kept my depression close to me, like a blankie or a best friend. I trusted it to always be there, unlike so many other things that had come and gone because, up to that point, it had been the only thing that had stayed. Every fall – ironically my favorite season because it meant the start of a new school year – I would inevitably fall into a spiral. I would start craving...

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What You Learn When You Can’t Talk

Let me start by clarifying: NO, I did not go on some sort of hippy-dippy silent meditation retreat. As much as I would love to take a month off of work to sit around in the woods discovering the color of my aura (pretty sure it’s brown because #farts), my reasons for silence were far less voluntary. Two years ago, I developed a polyp on one of my vocal chords that gave my voice the sensual raspiness of a grizzled old diner waitress named Barb. A lot of people thought my gravelly voice sounded cool, but I earn a...

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The Bad Wife

I was married in September. It didn’t give me a lot of time to adjust to my new role as a wife before the holidays rolled around and by the time Thanksgiving hit, I was mostly panicked. Let me be clear – I am not talking about my role within my marriage, which really didn’t change at all when I slipped a ring on my finger and made promises out loud that we’d made in private for years. I am talking about what it means to everyone else in the world who sees that you are a Wife, and...

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